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Friday, March 2, 2012

I am the prophet of Underground Meerkating

My name is Hitler, Prophet Hitler 420. No it is not like Bond, James Bond 007. My numbers 420 are module codes taught in Left-Right University, a prominent and first ever private university of Bangladesh. Today in this sermon, I want to tell you about a pilgrimage called Underground Meerkating Summit which is the best thing that I have done in recent times and which is the best thing you will ever attend in your meerkating career. Read on.

If you already haven’t red my preachings on how to be a good meerkat during your university days, I urge you to close your browser right now and go back to your study table to know more about my preaching about God - the King Customer. I am sure you can recall that there were many other wise men during my time, but I can assure you that I was wiser than them and hence ‘O you souls of Bengal, thou shalt converth into meinen religionen’…nevermind what that means. If you also don’t know what meerkats are what meerkating is, go fly a kite next to river Buriganga, don’t hang around here.

Times are changing and so am I. I am practicing what I had preached long time ago, when your fathers and mothers red my bible in their churches. I am diversifying. As a meerkat, I am out to dig newer holes and Bangladesh seems to be the perfectly fertile country to dig the new role of Underground Meerkats. Don’t get me wrong, I did think about India first, but those buggers are too good, or that is what they think. Rather than inviting me to their dens and dungeons, they had started exporting their brown and oily haired meerkats to our own dens in the West can you believe it? So don’t be surprised to see their meerkats creating a lot of noise in a place where it was all about us and more of me. But hey, that is what you guys were taught on ‘threats from substitutes’ remember? But more tragically, this whole rise of internet has ‘lowered the barrier to entry’ for a lot of new prophets. And sadly enough, everybody has started to claim themselves to be the last messenger from God. I strongly resented this sudden empowerment of every Tom, Dick, Harry, Anil, Manish, etc. But hey, I am clever remember? So I decided to diversify and look for ‘new regions’ to ‘develop my product/service’, remember module 304 in 1992?

Hence I am here in your den with a bang in Bang La Dash. As I said, rather than landing in India, Indians have landed in my den and I didn’t want to go to Pakistan as I thought they might kill me in charge of blasphemy, remember I am a prophet too? So the hosts of the Bangla Den managed to bring them over from other countries for the latest Mecca of Meerkating of which I am the Pope who is not on dope.

There is a reason why Bang La Dash should be seen into positive limelight from a meerkating perspective. These guys are good, don’t get me wrong. Its just that they are either over-confident when they don’t have any reason to be or they are almost always under-confident when their own prowess and ‘core competence’ is just too strong to miss by. But you know what, they need some foreign and big-brotherly pat on the back from time to time, to give them the assurance that they are doing ok. Hence I am here to tell them what they pretty much know already and have thought about 10 years ago. You know they lack people to look forward to – statesman, leaders, celebrities, business brands – Yes the meerkat of poverty – ‘You-‘N’-US’ made it to the Oscars, sorry Nobel and the other meerkat got to be called a ‘Sir’ by that old woman of England. Who cares? Note that the best produce of this place had traditionally been jute, garments, manpower, immigrants, and poverty. So as a new meerkat, ‘o my followers, carry the banners of poverty, women, climate change, MDG’ – anything cuts across themes you know. Put some ingredients of meerkating there, and voila! You have a new chapter in my bible to go gaga over. Refrain from Lady Gaga though.

So these people are good, they know that vaguely. But they need reasons and occasions to boost and update their status from time to time – status as in personal and on their Facebook too. Like every foreigner chased by street kids and eager to being photographed, my den will provide them with the same excitement and status to be photographed with me. Please don’t forget that you read my religious book and hopefully you passed without copying during your monk days. So come with your latest ipads, power suits and sharp eyes and bushy tails. Mingle with other meerkats who are carrying that ‘oh so smart’ looks as if they are enlightened with what they are unravelling. I hope from the audience they don’t use that stupid Google to actually find out ‘secret preaching of God’ all by themselves which will make us look really lame. As I said earlier, this stupid internet has erupted in a plethora of too many new prophets of all colors and shape. I have written volumes of religious scripts, attended pilgrimages I can’t even remember now. What have they done? Bunch of miscreants thinking they can change the Meerkat Religion with the help of God Google? Even if they can, we will delay the process as much as we can, as long as the onus of power, innovation, growth doesn’t shift to this part of the world from ours. Remember, it will be hard to sell anywhere that Jesus was actually Indian, so brown and all. As long as the myths hold, why not milk cash out of it?

Remember the 80-20 rule? I realise that 20% of people who are in my den in Bang La Dash are those who actually show up in 80% of such pilgrimages anywhere and everywhere. These 20% are the most influential who can have a great influence on the remaining 80%. And I am sure together we can dig bigger and deeper holes in this country until we find out new gas, coal or gold may be. In the process, these 20% will make sure that the remaining 80% continue to follow the great religion of meerkats, without asking too many questions, without challenging the great figures who had sprayed…sorry spread the message of models and meerkats and who will make sure that Bang La meerkats are kept in the audience as much as possible. It will be really shocking to see them taking over our dens like their Indi neighbours say 20 years from now.

Disclaimer - No meerkat was exploited, killed, bullied, impersonified during the shooting of this post. If you think so, you are a non-believer. 

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